The Grumpy Admin

In the shower this morning, I remembered playing Nintendo at my neighbors house when I was just a kid. Don't ask me why.

My friend's father forbid us from pausing any Nintendo game. Why you ask?

He didn't want the video game heads to wear a blank spot in the tape.

It always used to piss me off that we couldn't pause a video game because he didn't understand how it worked nor would he actually take the time to listen to us when we tried to educate him on the inner workings of a video game console.

Even back then the idiots got on my nerves.

I’ve decided to open a hotdog stand on the border to give the illegals a good hearty wiener on a bun before they scramble across the border. I’m going to call it Dog-N-Dash. Good-bye IT world.

I wish. Dog-N-Dash is just another story of a crazy end user. This happened yesterday.

I get an email that reads: “Is there anyway to get someone from Dell here to look at the printer, it sounds like someone is scratching a dog behind his ear and his leg is thumping the floor.”

The Dog.

Now I know that the Dell tech support technician is going to want to troubleshoot the printer. The printer is not in my office. I call the end user to deliver the bad news.

Me: Well, I got your email about the printer, and I’d love to help you, but unfortunately, if you don’t mind, the best thing for you to do is to call Dell directly and go through the process with them. I’d like to help, but I know they will want someone to be in front of the printer trying fixes.

Hillbilly end user: That’s fine. What number do I call?

I pull up the Dell website.

Me: Call one dash eight hundred dash WWW dash DELL.

I say it slow so he can write it down and get it right. What he comes back with I could not have made up if I had all day to make up stuff.

Hillbilly end user: My phone ain’t got no dashes.

Me: You can leave them off.

The Dash.

Perhaps a job in food handling on the border would be more rewarding.

.....same as the first.

If you send me an email asking for a "Black Berry", I am of the opinion that you don't have the smarts to use a BlackBerry. Or perhaps, you need this phone.

Seriously, how the hell can someone who can't even clean out their own multi-gigabyte email box with hundreds of unread messages possibly think a BlackBerry is a good idea? Yeah, you can't even find your Outlook icon because of the 75 icons on your desktop, but you're ready to have email on your hip? Give me a freaking break!

I mean come on, I can see a CEO and even a few other execs having BlackBerry phones, but what makes the average end user (15 layers deep in the OrgChart with no direct reports) think a BlackBerry (which comes with a manual they won't read and can't understand) will actually help?

I say F'it. Let's get everyone a Black Berry, a Lap Top, a Wire Less Data Card, and Eight Oh Two Dot Evelyn Bee at home. Let’s throw in a color laser printer, two external USB hard drives, and a rocket launcher just to be safe.

Then I can spend all of my time helping end users learn to use these new toys to surf the internet and trade jokes via email from anywhere they might get the urge.

Meanwhile the servers rot.

I have an end user who is covering for his boss while the boss is away. Part of that entails checking email. Well, the boss gets a system generated message that his password will expire in a few days. That, of course, makes my phone ring.

End user: "My boss got an email that says his password needs to change. He is on vacation. So I am going to change it and then email him the password so he can still get his email on vacation."

Me: "Well, that won't work, since he needs his password to check his email. You should call him to give it to him."

End user: "Yeah, I don't want him to be locked out, so I'm sending it to him."

Me: "He won't be able to get into his email with his old password to retrieve his new password since he needs his new pasword to even get into email in the first place."

End user: "I KNOW THAT'S WHY I'M SENDING IT!!!"

Me: "OK. That's probably a good idea."

Sometimes, it just easier to give in. Actually, it almost always easier.

Once again, I have to help the “ink cartilage” consultant. I dial her up and call my boss into the room. I look at him and whisper, “Explanation point, NOT exclamation point.” I hold my finger up, and make the “just wait until you see this” face. He makes his "WTF are you talking about now?" face. I hit the speakerphone button.

The old lady answers. I ask if now is a good time to train her on the new application. She is ready. I ask her if she remembers her password, since she has already been locked out. She says yep, it’s “love, explanation point, zero, zero, seven.” Explanation point. My boss’s eyes get wide.

I start a remote session and take control of her desktop. On a side note, give showmypc.com a try. It works really well.

I double click the VPN icon on her desktop and explain what it does. I tell her the “Fleegerhoffen Algorithm” will keep her PC safe and secure. I didn't even have time to use the jargon generator. My boss has to step out of the room to contain his laughter.

We then start up the application, which has no business running over the VPN. She asks why it is so slow. I decide to push my luck. My next statement is so over the top, I am sure to get caught. It’s so outrageous that it will never work. I press my luck anyway. My boss walks back just as I go for it.

“Well, it takes a few minutes for the Flux Capacitor to charge up the VPN in my server room,” I lie.

“OK, we’ll just have to wait then,” she says.

Another wonderful email exchange.

Me: Dear VP, does your new employee starting next week need a cell phone or a desk phone?

VP: Yes.

Someday I'm going to push all the server racks out the window and go do my dream job.

If you send me an email calling your laptop a "Lap Top", I am of the opinion that you don't have the smarts to use that laptop sitting on your lap (top). Or perhaps, you need a different laptop altogether.

I’m in my office and I overhear Simone begging the facilities guy to turn the AC off. She is shivering at her desk and actually has a blanket. She says she only sticks her hands out to type. The facilities guy is sympathetic, but tells her there is not a lot he can do.

Why you ask?

Most everyone in the “South Wing” has blocked off their ceiling vents because one person kept the AC so cold. One by one they blocked off their vents, forcing all the cold air through the remaining vents.

Now there are just two working vents: The one blowing into the office of the person that started this mess by cranking the AC all the way down weeks ago. And the one vent in the big open area that blows directly down on Simone, the skinniest smallest (shyest) girl in the office.

She should start TheGrumpyOfficeWorker.com blog if you ask me.

This happened months ago, but I was thinking about it tonight, so I have decided to post it before I forget again.

I'm sitting in my office minding my own business when Martie comes to my doorway with an emergency. I follow her to her desk as she explains.

"My PC is beeping and that usually means it has been compromised," she says.

"Compromised?", I ask, holding back the laughter.

"Yes, it is beeping, which means I've probably been hacked," she explains.

Sure enough, I get to her cube and there’s beeping.

Well, I begin to listen and follow the sound. I leave her cube and head toward the kitchen. The beeping gets louder. I make my way across the kitchen and find the source of the beeping:

The five thousand dollar fancy stainless refrigerator.

Apparently, it beeps if the door is left open for an extended period of time. Beep....beep...beep. Damned refrigerator hackers.

When I first called the database consultant (see Choices), she made me wait until her husband was finished working on the printer. I assured her it had nothing to do with what we are doing with our remote session, but she wanted to be safe.

What was her husband doing you ask?

He was changing out the "ink cartilage".

Today I get saddled with cleaning up after two users who have been using two different versions of an obscure program to create different databases. They want to bring the two databases into one.

Well, as in most businesses the Admin is supposed to know how to fix PCs, teach any application, build servers, know everything Cisco and Microsoft, design webpages, fix phones, install security cameras, and work with databases. Did I miss anything?

One user is a consultant, who I had to start a remote session with to get access to a trashed home PC. To digress, this consultant had "Yahoo for an ISP". I had to explain the address bar in Internet Explorer. The consultant has been using the Yahoo search page for years, that's right f'ing YEARS, instead of the Explorer address bar. Anyway, after about 30 minutes I was able to pull the database back off of this person's spyware infested PC. (Wait until you hear about the ink in the printer......)

Well, I needed to make it clear that I want to help, but don't know what I am doing here with the databases and sure could use some guidance.

To make along story short, here is my email to the full-time user in charge of this mess:

*************************

[User],

I now have both databases.

However, I don’t know how you want them combined. Basically, since I don’t use this program, I don’t know what I don’t know.

Would you like to work directly with [the vendor] to combine the databases in a manner you see fit, or would you prefer to tell me your goals and have me work with them?

*************************

The users response:

OK

That's right. One word. Two letters. WTF does "OK" mean? I don't know what to do anymore with these people.

I look up to see Jan and Snow White in my doorway. As usual, Jan starts off with a question I cannot answer:

“How do we convert it?” she whines.

“How do you convert what Jan?” I ask, trying to hide my desire to kill her where she stands.

“An Adobe back to a Word,” she whines.

After a few minutes of patiently listing to her latest emergency, she needs to convert PDFs to DOCs.

Let me digress. I work in a company where we PDF everything. If I sneeze into a Kleenex, we flatten it out and drop it on the scanner. Seriously, there is a bad habit shared by nearly everyone here that involves an end-user working on a document, printing it to paper, scanning it, having the scanner email it to them, and then usually not saving the original document. I’ve been pretty mad for a while that my mail server is filling up with this nonsense. But I can’t stop it.

Well, it finally came back to bite the end users in the ass on Friday. Now they have realized that they can’t open their PDFs in Winword. Well duh. So, now they need to convert back. This wouldn’t happen if you just saved the original DOC you nitwits.

So, I installed the software to Jan’s PC, and showed her “What button to hit” and it now converts back. I don’t need to tell you how bad of a job even the best programs do. Now she gets to go back through all of these shitty “pdf to word docs” and clean up what the OCR couldn’t. Serves her right though.

I think I’ll head home tonight and copy some of my DVDs to DIVX then to VCD then to VHS and then back to DVD. What button do I hit?

Meet Jan.

She is by far my dumbest end-user. I wish I had documented half of the things she has done in my short time here.

Today she comes to my doorway, while I’m trying to configure a NAS box and hits me with an unanswerable question:

“Why did the office supply company ship us paper that is too long?” She stretched out the word “long” like a whiny child. I’d like to pull out her voicebox and drop it into the shredder.

She has a bad habit of asking a horribly bad question to start off explaining her IT problems.

“I have no idea, but how can I help you?”, I respond. I hate this woman with all of my being, but I have to be nice to her because she has been with the company forever and somehow she hangs pretty high on the tree.

I follow her to her desk, which is covered with piles and piles of plain white copy paper.

“It’s all too loooooooong,” she whines. “Why do they ship it all too looooong?”
I ask what the real problem is. She tells me her printer is jamming on the “long” paper. I pull out the paper tray, and am greeting with a white rainbow bulging out of the paper tray.

I explain that the 8.5 x 11 paper is just fine, look here, you need to move this paper guide back to where it started out. I move it back and the paper falls nicely into place.

“I never moved it back. How did it get moved baaaaaack?” Another question I can’t answer. I shrug my shoulders.

I’m on my way out of her office, and I can’t make up this next shit question if I tried:

“What do I do with all this paper that is too loooooong?”, she whines. I think perhaps I am on candid camera. Where the hell was she when I looked her in the face and told her the guide was too far forward? Sweet merciful crap how did this lady get to this position in this company?

“Jan, the paper is the right size. You should use it. It was the guide that was too far forward.”

I head back to my office. IDIOT.

Two Mac stories in a row. What are the odds?

So there I am, sitting in the server room trying to mind my own business. One of our "outside consultants" comes in and says she needs help getting her new computer connected to our printer. The outside consultants wait on no one, so I jump up and we walk to her desk.

On the way over, I ask what she bought. A Mac. She calls it Harry Potter because it is so tiny and cute. My bad attitude turns from bad to worse. I tell her I doubt I can get it on the network because I don't know how, (nor am I willing to learn how to). Nor do I want to change my network to make it work with a Mac. (On a side note, you Mac people can keep your suggestions and comments to yourselves. I simply don't want to hear it.)

Anyway, I sit down at her PC, and what do I see? She is running Windows XP in Parallels. I installed the networked printer in XP in about 6.2 seconds. Now the fun begins:

"Why did you buy a Mac," I ask.

"Because they are better," she responds.

"Then why run XP inside of it," I ask.

"Because I need Office," she responds.

"So, what do you use the Mac for besides Windows XP Office," I ask.

"Surfing the internet," are her last words.

So, let me point out the stupidity, stupidity that I believe every Mac user shares.

1. Buy a Mac because you think it is better. Mostly because of the cool commercials.
2. Immediately load the OS that you wanted to avoid in the first place, Windows XP.
3. Load an application into XP that is readily available for Mac.
4. Use your new tiny shiny trendy artsy fartsy "better personal computer" to mostly surf the internet.

I congratulate Apple on a great marketing campaign. I pity those who buy into it. Idiots.

First!! I just had to do that. Here's the related video.