The Grumpy Admin

I’ve decided to open a hotdog stand on the border to give the illegals a good hearty wiener on a bun before they scramble across the border. I’m going to call it Dog-N-Dash. Good-bye IT world.

I wish. Dog-N-Dash is just another story of a crazy end user. This happened yesterday.

I get an email that reads: “Is there anyway to get someone from Dell here to look at the printer, it sounds like someone is scratching a dog behind his ear and his leg is thumping the floor.”

The Dog.

Now I know that the Dell tech support technician is going to want to troubleshoot the printer. The printer is not in my office. I call the end user to deliver the bad news.

Me: Well, I got your email about the printer, and I’d love to help you, but unfortunately, if you don’t mind, the best thing for you to do is to call Dell directly and go through the process with them. I’d like to help, but I know they will want someone to be in front of the printer trying fixes.

Hillbilly end user: That’s fine. What number do I call?

I pull up the Dell website.

Me: Call one dash eight hundred dash WWW dash DELL.

I say it slow so he can write it down and get it right. What he comes back with I could not have made up if I had all day to make up stuff.

Hillbilly end user: My phone ain’t got no dashes.

Me: You can leave them off.

The Dash.

Perhaps a job in food handling on the border would be more rewarding.

Another wonderful email exchange.

Me: Dear VP, does your new employee starting next week need a cell phone or a desk phone?

VP: Yes.

Someday I'm going to push all the server racks out the window and go do my dream job.

Today I get saddled with cleaning up after two users who have been using two different versions of an obscure program to create different databases. They want to bring the two databases into one.

Well, as in most businesses the Admin is supposed to know how to fix PCs, teach any application, build servers, know everything Cisco and Microsoft, design webpages, fix phones, install security cameras, and work with databases. Did I miss anything?

One user is a consultant, who I had to start a remote session with to get access to a trashed home PC. To digress, this consultant had "Yahoo for an ISP". I had to explain the address bar in Internet Explorer. The consultant has been using the Yahoo search page for years, that's right f'ing YEARS, instead of the Explorer address bar. Anyway, after about 30 minutes I was able to pull the database back off of this person's spyware infested PC. (Wait until you hear about the ink in the printer......)

Well, I needed to make it clear that I want to help, but don't know what I am doing here with the databases and sure could use some guidance.

To make along story short, here is my email to the full-time user in charge of this mess:

*************************

[User],

I now have both databases.

However, I don’t know how you want them combined. Basically, since I don’t use this program, I don’t know what I don’t know.

Would you like to work directly with [the vendor] to combine the databases in a manner you see fit, or would you prefer to tell me your goals and have me work with them?

*************************

The users response:

OK

That's right. One word. Two letters. WTF does "OK" mean? I don't know what to do anymore with these people.